


Gentle sin

by nupoxsi



Category: Ylvis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Priests, Alternate Universe - Religious, Angst with a Happy Ending, Codependency, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, M/M, Non-Graphic Sex, Past Attempted Suicide, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Reunions, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-26 03:37:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2636588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nupoxsi/pseuds/nupoxsi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bård has a confession to make.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gentle sin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [take_a_bow06](https://archiveofourown.org/users/take_a_bow06/gifts).



> Allow me to say first that this wasn’t planned at all. I’ve been working on another Bård/Vegard fic for some weeks now, and my intentions were to upload that one first, considering that it’s the first time I write something Ylvis related. However, this story practically wrote itself on a cold afternoon while I texted [Valen.](http://archiveofourown.org/users/take_a_bow06) She literally woke up saying "ylvis!priest AU" of the blue and this is something I wrote especially for her because she deserves it.
> 
> Please bear with me with this one, I know it might not be everyone’s cup of tea. 
> 
> (also I've edited this because there were two paragraphs missing, I’m sorry.)
> 
> Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction, none of the following happened irl.

 

Churches have never been Bård’s thing; not when he was a little boy and clearly not even now that he’s a grown man. He hesitates before taking a step into the church that stands before him, considering what other options he might have. Perhaps he can turn his back now, drive away and never look back. It’s simple, but it is an act of cowardice that he’s not willing to do. It amazes him how easy it would be to turn away without looking back to avoid the unavoidable. Bård might be a lot of things, sometimes even a coward, but he is not going to turn on his heels from a decision that was already so hard to make.

The inside of the holy place is warmer than outside, the cold breeze replaced by a hot air that doesn’t seem to move in any direction. Bård takes a quick look around, his eyes hovering over the several wooden pews aligned perfectly before the altar. A part of him wonders how many people have gone in there looking for an answer, kneeling and shutting their eyes close in an attempt to get closer to God. Has that ever worked for anyone?

Bård has never looked for God in order to fix his problems, so he’s got no idea if it works for others. Hell, he doesn’t even _believe_ in God, let alone in religion.

However, his blue eyes soon find the confessional booth next to one of the pillars that keep the church standing. As he walks in its direction, he allows himself to get easily distracted by what he thinks is one of the few things he tolerates about church; the stained glass windows above him. They show different imageries which he’s got no further interest in; it’s the colours and the way the daylight reflects them that makes them flamboyant.

Once he’s certain the other side of the wooden booth is occupied, Bård doesn’t think twice before getting into the empty compartment. The enclosed space he gets to settle himself in makes him feel quite claustrophobic, as if the wooden walls begin closing in on him. Bård takes two deep breaths as he sits, a hand reaching something to support himself. His wrists are still sore, and the sudden movement makes his right wrist sting the minute he brings it back to his lap, gaze fixing on his hidden arms. At random times he forgets about the bandages around his wrists, tries to avoid thinking of what happened. But can he, really? Can he ignore it? The pain remains, and it won’t let him forget.

“Tell me, son,” a voice— his voice speaks from the other side of the confessional. Bård’s heart starts beating faster. “What is troubling you so you are seeking for my council?”

A sudden shiver runs through his spine. Perhaps he hasn’t thought this through very well, perhaps this is all too sudden and he isn’t ready for the outcome of this conversation. But then again, he isn’t there for ordinary reasons. He has a reason to be there, and as hard as he now finds it to be, Bård can’t quit now. He tried quitting and he failed, so there’s no point of return.

Fighting his inner demons, Bård looks up from his lap.

Even through the grille that separates them, he’s able to recognise his face.

How could he _ever_ mistake those black curls?

“Hi, Vegard,” Bård says with nostalgy and finds it impossible to tear his gaze off his brother’s blurred and hidden face.

“Bård? I-is that you?”

His voice quivers at the brief mention of Bård’s name, which leads him to think he hasn’t gotten rid of all emotional connection that was once so strong. That’s something, at least.

“It’s me.”

“Oh my.... I can’t believe what I’m hearing, I have to thank the Lord for having you in here after so long. I don’t know how you were able to find me, but technology these days…” There is enthusiasm in his voice, yet he keeps at its lower low. “Is it really you?”

“Yes. Or have you forgotten about your brother?”

“I don’t think that’d ever be possible.”

“Sometimes I think it is,” Bård confesses with a sad smile. “Two years, huh?”

“A year, eight months and twenty four days, actually.”

The number makes Bård crack a sad grin. “It feels as if it’s been longer than that.”

“Believe me when I say it’s been the same for me,” Vegard replies, and Bård eyes the way his chubby cheeks seem even chubbier as a smile makes its way to his brother’s face. He hardly thinks it’s been the same for Vegard, but just as he’s about to reply, Vegard’s eyes search for his own through the metallic grille, and the words get struck in his throat. “Listen, Bård, if you’re here to talk about family matters, I could take a few hours today and we could catch up with everything.”

“That’s not why I’m here.”

“Oh.” Suddenly Vegard sounds confused, and an unexpected uneasiness begins to wash down Bård’s body. “Why are you here?”

“Do I have to have a reason to see you?” Bård snaps, feeling genuinely hurt at his brother’s words. It’s almost impossible to keep his emotions at ease, especially when Bård can’t remember his life without Vegard in it, one year and almost nine month being a fuzzy memory in his mind. The words ‘don’t look for me’ written in his brother’s handwriting still burn in the back of his eyelids. “You don’t need to answer that,” he says after a couple of seconds, his brain working fast. “I’m here to make a confession. Isn’t that the reason this place exists for, anyway?”

There’s a moment of silence that only makes Bård’s hands get colder and his insides to keep on twisting.

“I thought you didn’t believe in all this.”

“That’s not the point. I really have something I’d like to confess, Vegard.”

“If you’re here as a penitent, then you know you can’t call me by my name in here, Bård. Not in the house of the Lord.”

“Very well, _father._ ” The word is bitter in his mouth, as he’s just spat one of the childish insults they used to call each other in the worsts moments. Bård cannot be fond of what’s taken his brother away from him. “That fine by you, now?”

“If you’re here to mock me…”

“I am not.” Bård chuckles sarcastically in hope he can make the tears gathering in his eyes go away. He feels scared, frustrated, just like a hopeless child asking for one more chance. “Can you listen to me for once in your life, please?”

There’s another silence, shorter than the previous one. Bård can say it’s given Vegard’s brain reacting to the ‘once in your life’ bit. His brother must be struggling not to give reply to that. “Yes, Bård. I’ll always be here to listen to you.”

“Fine. Okay. Then forgive me, father, for I have sinned,” Bård starts, and suddenly feels himself choking on his own words. Has he really sinned? Is love such a crime? His eyelids drop and force a couple of tears to roll down his pale cheeks. “I suppose I’ve done the things normal people do, I’ve lied, I’ve disrespected our parents, but that’s not what I want to confess today.” He takes a deep breath, and he makes sure their eyes are locked together as he speaks. “After years, I’ve finally come to accept I’m madly in love with someone, _father_. And it’s eating me alive. It started as something childish between two people who found themselves on each other, and it has developed into a mess of confused emotions that I’m not sure I can understand very clearly myself. Things have happened, and we’ve been apart for a long time. But I can’t handle that distance anymore. I’ve said it to them before, father, but I love them, I love _him_. And I know he loves me too, but our love is quite forbidden, according to him.”

“Bård…”

“No,” he warns, lifting a finger. “Let me finish. You told me you’d listen to me, and you have to, Vegard— _father_ , or, fuck. Whatever the fuck you want to be right now. Just listen to me. Just this once.”

He stares at Vegard for a moment, in search of something that might give away the way his brother is feeling as he speaks. Yet it’s hard for Bård to read his expression, and not only for the grille separating them. Vegard remains calm, lips pressed into a thin line, dark curls falling on both sides of his face. He’s cut it recently, Bård can tell. But that’s all he can see, his eyes unable to read the emotion on his brother’s features.

“I’m in love with this person and I swear he loves me too, and we’ve shared things that no other soul in the universe knows about. Not even _his God_ ,” Bård continues, saying everything in a whisper. “But he’s afraid, he’s afraid and he ran away from me and that drove me insane, because I can’t forget about us, I could never forget about us, even if he wants me to. I love him. I won’t— _can’t_ ever forget him.”

“I’m sure he can’t forget you either,” Vegard offers after a pause, and Bård feels his words turning into sharp knives and digging deep into his heart. “I’m sure he loves you too.”

“Really? Because I’ve only felt he’s tried to push me away for almost two years , I feel he’s trying to forget about me.”

“Good Lord, Bård…you know that’s not true.”

“Oh, the Lord, yes. He thought that hiding himself between dark robes and wearing a cross around his neck would wash away his feelings, but I’m sure those things never worked on him. Work of pure fiction.”

“That’s enough. Don’t you dare come here and insult my beliefs,” Vegard hisses at him, getting closer to the grille, eyes ever accusing him of treason. “I’ve worked hard to have faith in them, Bård, I need Jesus to help me sleep at night and cleanse my soul. Everyone needs him.”

“Really? I thought it was better when _I_ helped you sleep at night.”

“Did you come all your way here to argue with me?” Vegard sighs deeply. “Don’t start this, Bård, please. Not here. Not now.”

“I can’t start something that has already begun years ago, Vegard,” he shoots back, trying to keep his voice as lower as possible but keeping the same emotion. “Or have you forgotten all of our sins? Because I know that’s what you call them. _Sins_. As if our love was a bad thing.” He remembers Vegard’s words, remembers reading them over and over again as he tried to give them a meaning. Tears are still rolling down his face from exasperation and he has to breathe through his mouth in order to get air into his lungs. “Do you know what you did to me when you left? Huh? Do you have an idea of how I felt when I woke up alone and had to read to that horrible letter?” Bård feels a knot in his throat, and he has to use all of his strength to continue. “You broke my fucking heart, Vegard.”

“You say it as if I had enjoyed writing that letter,” is Vegard’s muffled reply. His voice is just as broken as Bård’s by now, and he hates to have a wall that separates the two of them. “As if I enjoyed doing everything I had to do to protect us from doom.”

“Protect us? _Us_?”

“I did everything I could to protect you by going away, Bård. Only then you could try to forget or push aside the lustful desires and live a normal life. I didn’t— I don’t want to keep you from that, Bård. I want you to be happy, to marry a pretty girl and have beautiful children. And I know that wouldn’t happen if I stayed. I’m your older brother, I have to protect you.”

The sound that leaves Bård’s throat is something among the lines of a broken laughter and a sob. “Protect me? Are you fucking kidding me?” He hisses, standing up in the confined place. “Do you want to know what happened while you were gone, huh?” He pulls up both of the sleeves of his musky green sweater to reveal the bandages that are still tightly wrapped around his sore wrists. There’s now a red stain on the inside of his right wrist, which he supposes is due to the brusque movement done before. “This is what happened, Vegard, this is what you couldn’t protect me from.”

Now Bård is able to see glimpses of Vegard’s face, even through the tears. He sees the shock and indignation, sees the fear and the guilt. It makes his stomach twist, but it’s the way he’s felt for almost two years now. He knows it’s harsh, and he knows that perhaps he shouldn’t have put it that way, but the emotions inside of him are a mess and he can barely think before speaking. He doesn’t want to blame Vegard for an attempt of taking his own life, he’s aware it was his own choice, but if Vegard hadn’t left him, if he hadn’t pushed him away… Well, what’s done is done. No one can change the past.

“What?” Vegard breathes out, and Bård swears there are tears now in the brown eyes. “Oh, no. No. Tell me it isn’t what I think it is.”

“Do you need me to spell it out for you? Fine,” he complies, and falls back on the uncomfortable seat. Memories starts to flash in the back of his mind, things that he’s kept only to himself. “For a year I tried to live in a lie, to do something with my life, but instead I ended up doing things that I’m not proud of. And then everything started to crumble down, _I_ started to crumble down, and you weren’t there to catch me.” He sounds defeated, he’s well aware of that. But he cannot pretend, he’s done pretending. “How could you ever think I could make it on my own, when you've been part of my entire life. It’s nonsense.”

“Jesus, Bård…”

Vegard’s voice is like an echo in his head, and soon it’s followed by the sound of a door being closed loudly. Bård barely has time to acknowledge what’s happening when two hands are pulling him out of the wooden booth. He has troubles to stand up, but he manages to after grabbing Vegard’s arm for better support. He blinks twice, the first time in almost two years he’s standing close to his brother, he can see him clearly now.

Vegard wears the black cassock Bård never thought he would actually see him on, and the clerical collar is around his neck, hiding half of his adam’s apple. Even with all of the clothing his brother wears, Bård can see him as the person he’s been his whole life. No hiding.

“I couldn’t handle living in a world without you,” he confesses as he tightens the grip on Vegard’s arm. “I still can’t.”

His brother gives him a condescending look, tears also visible in his dark eyes, and the next thing Bård knows is that Vegard’s arms are around his shoulders, a hand finding its way to the back of his neck to pull him closer. Bård hugs him too, briefly wincing in pain as he wraps his arms around Vegard’s torso. The smell is the same, he reckons, Vegard’s scent fills his nostrils as he tries to ease his constructed breathing. Vegard calms him, his low hums help him establish a normal breathing pace, and his heart slows down a little as his brother’s hand rubs his nape smoothly.

In Vegard’s embrace Bård feels it’s the first time in two years he’s been able to breathe.

“I love you,” Bård says with a choked sob into his ear. “Please, stop hiding. Don’t leave me.”

“I’m here now. I’m here.”

“But for how long will you be here?”

Vegard’s arms hold him even tighter now. “I don’t know, Bård,” he says, and it breaks Bård’s heart all over again. “Bad things happens when I’m with you, and I…”

“Nothing bad happens when you’re with me.”

“We shouldn’t feel this way about each other,” he breathes into Bård’s ear. “I know we do, but we shouldn’t. And being near you…I just don’t want to keep hurting you, it kills me inside.”

“You only hurt me by pushing me away,” Bård asserts, hoping he understands.

The warm of the church doesn’t compare to the one provided by his brother’s arms. It’s been so long, Bård feels he’s been missing from home for a long time. He might have a place to live in, but if Vegard isn’t there with him, then it will never be a home. It will never be a life.

“I’m sorry,” Vegard whispers. “I never meant to do you wrong.”

The words are soft and they bring back memories of partially forgotten apologies between the two of them. There is one that Bård remembers from maybe fifteen or fourteen years from now. Long story short, a girl kissed Bård in school and Vegard saw from afar, misunderstanding the whole issue. He rejected Bård’s affections for almost two weeks, even refused to share bed at night. By the time he explained what had really happened, Vegard apologised about twenty times, holding him close and promising to never act without letting Bård explain first. It was something childish and two years ago they probably would have laughed at it, but now it makes Bård’s heart grow heavy and cling even tighter to his brother.

What would be of him if Vegard pushed him away again? If he disappeared right before his eyes and left him for good? He doesn’t want to go back alone, he doesn’t want to keep living a life that doesn’t feel like his own. He’s already lost too much and he can’t keep losing. He can’t lose Vegard, not again.

Bård moves his face off the crook of Vegard’s neck and searches for his mouth in need, but Vegard tilts his head in time, their cheeks crashing together instead.

“Not in here, Bård, grand me that,” he pleads, and Bård has no other option but to comply. He nods, and feels Vegard retrieving his arms off his shoulders to take hold of one of his hands. “Come.”

There’s nothing much to say, so Bård nods again as he feels Vegard’s fingers twining with his own. He allows him to walk him through a corridor that’s hidden behind a pillar next to the altar. 

It isn’t much long until they stop in front of a large wooden door, less than twenty steps from where they’d been standing, if Bård has to take a guess.

Vegard pulls a key from inside his clothing and puts it in the lock, opening the door for the two of them to walk into the room. Bård soon realises it’s a small office; there are two bookshelves behind a regular rest, two small chairs across the desk too. In one of the walls there hangs a large Jesus Christ painting that doesn’t appeal Bård in the least. It must be Vegard’s office, he reckons, and he doesn’t get a second to give it more thought, because then Vegard is pulling him closer.

What once would have been an unnatural desire to press their bodies together, a carnal lust to have each other in every possible way is now much more. Bård reckons they used to be reckless the first time they kissed, giggling loudly and never caring for making too much noise. It wasn’t as if anyone would knock on their door, anyway. But it’s developed into something past the physical, reaching the emotional. Instead of pinning Bård against the closed door at his back, Vegard takes his time to explore Bård’s self. He feels his brother’s eyes travelling slowly on his body, from his messy golden hair to meet his eyes, moving downwards to observe his lips and lead a firm hand to set it on his cheek. Vegard’s thumb brushes his bottom lip softly, just as if he was made of glass.

“I have missed you so fucking much,” he says nostalgically, meeting Bård’s eyes once more before continuing his inspection.

As well his gaze, Vegard’s hands also drop downward, fingers carefully tracing the side of his neck, a curious thumb hovering his adam's apple. Bård relaxes under Vegard’s touch, allowing the unspoken act of comfort his brother so flawlessly provides. Next, he feels the hand on his chest, and it isn’t that much of a surprise when instead of going further down it sets on his shoulder. Bård has his sweater on, yet he feels the contact almost burning through the fabric. The hand follows the length of the arm, but stops abruptly as it reaches Bård’s elbow.

Vegard looks up at him with unsteadiness. “Should I stop here?”

And then Bård realises.

The bandages.

The wounds.

The _memories_.

He sees his own on reflection in Vegard’s dark irises, and he swears he sees frighten reflected in his small image. In the time he’s spent trying to figure out what direction his life was going to turn, Bård has overviewed the incident in many ways, refusing to talk about it with family and friends. Sometimes he remembers the blood pouring from his own cut flesh, the feelings that pushed him to do it. It overwhelms him still, how his life had only gone downhill ever since Vegard left. However, once Bård blinks, he tries to calm down again, doing his best to concentrate on the good things. Vegard is standing close to him, so his mind focuses on Vegard, _always_ on Vegard.

“No. You can continue,” Bård gives him the green light with a small voice, sounding almost like a child. “It’s all up to to you, though."

And without hesitating, his brother continues.

There is something about the way he touches him that makes Bård relax. Vegard moves his hand slowly, neither squeezing nor holding too tight. He remembers when he did it, too fast to think about it twice. It’s still a shock to him how he survived, but now that’s here in front of his brother he’s thankful they got him into the hospital right in time. As if reading his thoughts, Vegard's eyes are suddenly crowded by tears again, yet he doesn’t let go of him, simply brushes his thumb over the bandages that cover his bruised wrists, right above his veins.

“Can I ask why?” Vegard’s voice breaks the unsettling silence in the place, yet the calmness in his voice doesn’t reflect on his eyes. They scream, _plead_ for an answer, yet Bård isn’t able to give him one to keep him at ease.

“I already told you why,” he offers with sincerity. “If I had to pick whether living my life without you or not living at all… well, you know how to rest goes.”

Vegard hums to himself. “Did you go through much pain?”

“It didn’t compare to the one I felt when I lost you.”

“You didn't lose me, Bård,” he immediately says, reaching to cup the blonde’s jaw with his other hand. “Just because you couldn’t see me it doesn’t neant I wasn’t yours.” Just as he  says the words, Vegard takes a confident step forward, practically closing the distance between them. “I’m forever yours.”

The ache is back on Bård's chest, and he feels an unnatural need to scream at the top of his lungs.

“Aren’t you a man of God?”

“Even God knows I was never his, no matter how hard I try to, Bård.”

The confession clearly troubles Vegard internally, probably making an hurricane out of feelings in his chest. Not that it is any easier for Bård either, he feels he could burst into tears at any given moment. Bård also takes a step closer now, their chests almost touching. It suddenly hits Bård the way his brother is dressed, with even an iron cross hanging from his chest. Vegard does look like a proper priest now, but he’ll never cease to be that older brother a few inches shorter than Bård, the one who taught him everything he knew, the one Bård loves to bits. He’s aware the holy look should make him feel bad about longing for his touch, wishing to have back that closeness that should have never gone away.

It’s the Vegard the one who closes the distance between them. Bård doesn’t actually know whether Vegard is tip-toeing or he’s actually leaning down so their lips can meet, but he doesn’t care. All he can think of is his brother’s hands at each side of his face now, holding his face in his hands as he kisses him, their lips brushing together and lighting up all of the flames in Bård’s chest. The kiss is slow and caring, rediscovering each other’s mouths as two lovers reunited after a war. It feels it’s been ages since Bård has felt this warm, this— _loved_ by the person he cares for the most in the world. Bård’s hands settle on Vegard’s waist, holding him pressed against himself as they kiss.  

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Vegard whispers over his lips. “I would’ve given anything to spare you that pain.”

Bård’s answer is a muffled ‘I know’, not really caring for words, only to keep his lips pressed against Vegard’s. They kiss until their lips are burning from the friction, until their jaws ache, but refusing to break apart. It’s only when they’re breathless and have to break apart to gasp for air, Bård is back placing small pecks on his brother’s mouth over and over again, leaving little invisible marks over Vegard’s face.

“We could, could—” Vegard mumbles, trying to catch his breath, hands still pulling Bård close. “We could go to my flat, if you want?”

“Are you sure?” Bård asks— not because he wants to, but because he has to.

“Yes. I want you.” His brother’s lips catch his own again, and Bård is breathless. He kisses back instantly, asking for permission to invade his brother’s mouth, which he gladly allows. His leg is between Vegard’s, pushing further, feeling the hardness against his tight. “Let’s go.”

Bård is sure to press his lips to his brother’s neck one last time before pulling back. “Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

They rest on Vegard’s bed, still naked and their limbs tangled together into one. Their breathings come at the same pace, at a low, steady rhythm, chests moving up and down in a twin manner. They reached Vegard’s flat and they stumbled their way into his bedroom, where they got rid of clothes and anything there was left between them. In an attempt to take the rosary off Vegard’s neck, Bård broke it, apologising several times. His brother didn’t really care, their mouths were soon crashing together once more and there was no valid argument to break apart. Vegard kissed him, his cheeks, his neck, even the naked scars on his wrists, whispering words of love and promises that took away Bård’s breath. They didn’t just have sex that night, they became one, they said all the things that needed to be spoken without need of words. And even now, when they’re slowly resting on the bed, Bård isn’t able to let go of Vegard, too afraid of watching him go again, even if that possibility is far from reality. He simply needs him right now, he’ll always need him.

By the way his brother’s chest moves, Bård can tell he’s awake, and he only snuggles closer to him, burying his nose in the crook of his neck.

“I won’t ask you to give up clergy for me,” he says, eyes set on his sharp adam’s apple and the way it bobs up and down as Vegard swallows nervously.  “But I want you. And I know you want me. Please, don’t give up on us.”

Vegard’s hand moves from Bård’s back to find the back of his neck, fingers tangling on his greasy blond hair and caressing his scalp softly.  “It’s a wonder how you don’t hate me after all I’ve put you through.”

“You didn’t know what you were doing by going away.”

“Didn’t I?” Vegard asks, and he sounds guilty. Bård hates that, so he places a small kiss on the side of his neck. “I can’t believe I could’ve lost you in a miserable attempt to protect you from myself.”

“You didn’t lose me either,” he reminds him. “I’m here.”

“I know you’re here.” Vegard strokes him softly and caringly, making him relax in spite of the serious talk they are now having. “I love that you’re here.”

Those words make Bård feel calmer, even if there are no promises about future yet. Bård loves that he’s here too, loves that they can be together, that they can share what they have in their hearts without any kind of remorse. He doesn’t regret it, and a part of him tells him Vegard isn’t about to regret it, not when he’s so caringly moving his hand up and down Bård’s naked back, fingers tracing the line of his spine.

“Did you know why I decided to join the congregation?” Vegard speaks again with a question Bård isn’t sure he has to answer to.

“To be closer to God?”

“That’s only a benefit of it all, but no.” He inhales deeply looking at Bård. “It was the only way to keep people from questioning why I never had someone by my side, those annoying questions that I’m certain you also had to get through.”

“Yeah,” Bård admits. “Friends can be very nosy when they want to.”

“I know. Perhaps I was seeking for some kind of celestial help that could help me explain why I feel this way about you, but becoming a priest was also a choice I took because I’ve never wanted to be with anyone that isn’t you.”

“Vegard…”

“I mean it. I always thought that if one of us had to carry on the family heritage it’d be you. You are the prettiest out of the two of us, anyway,” he jokes with a little smile that makes Bård’s chest warmer. Vegard’s hand moves up and down his back, fingers tracing invisible lines on his sensitive skin. “But I guess that in a way I’ve only imagined myself with you.”

“Then why did you disappear?”

He hums in the back of his throat. “You know why.”

“We could’ve spoken, spare us both the pain,” Bård tries to reason. “I’m not mad at you, but you shouldn’t hesitate if you need to talk to me, Vegard. I’m your brother.”

“I know that,” he replies frankly. “I fucked up. Fucked up real badly”

As a reply, Bård only moves closer to his brother, trying to keep him as close as he can. A thin blanket covers their bodies to keep them from cold, but there’s nothing warmer than the heat coming from Vegard’s comfy body. Several thoughts cross Bård’s mind as he lays in there. He starts to wonder how long Vegard has kept those feelings to himself, wonders why he never told him about the real reason behind wanting to be a religious man. Perhaps Bård suspected it deep down, but he often thought Vegard’s actions were guided by the blame and shame their closeness had brought him. Whether the honest explanation is better than the one that occupied Bård’s mind for so long, he doesn’t really know. He’ll have time to think about that later, anyway.

Vegard reaches for one of his hands, the one that’s on his back, and without saying a thing, he hovers his thumb over the mark that’s present on the wrist. Bård shivers at the contact, feeling ashamed of it. There’s something that makes him feel vulnerable under Vegard’s touch, but after going to the doctor, he’s been the only person that he’s allowed to even see the scars. Not even Calle, someone he considers himself to be close with, has seen them, they are too private.

But Vegard— Vegard is different. And he always will be.

So instead of pulling away or squirming away from his touch, Bård closes his eyes and lets his brother rub small circles over it. It doesn’t hurt, not really, but he cannot help but feel a small ache each time the thumb hovers over his veins. Vegard seems to notice, because then he’s leading Bård’s hand upwards, pressing his thin lips over his wrist before gingerly letting it fall to his chest. Bård cracks a smile as his eyes flutter open, facing his brother.

“If I have to give up on something,” Vegard says gently, voice soft and calmed, his other hand now playing with Bård’s locks. “It won’t be you, Bård.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“You,” he confesses with a grin, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “It’s always you. Everything I do, it’s all for you. I love you.”

Bård kisses his neck. “I love you too.”

And with those words, Bård knows that no matter what comes in the near future, they’ll be able to get through it. Perhaps they’ll move back to the place they used to share back in the city, or they’ll move to a cabin where it’ll be only the two of them alone for no other eyes to see. Either way, Bård doesn’t mind.

As long as he’s next to his brother, he knows he’ll be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are welcome! :D ♥


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